India: A pasty white man's tale

A wise man by the name of Robert Herrick once wrote: "Gather ye rosebuds while ye may, old time is still a-flying and this same flower that smiles today, tomorrow will be dying."

So when my dear friend Dipak (aka The D) kindly invited me to his Indian wedding in the country's western most state in Gujarat back in February, I ran to my computer, loaded up Youtube and put on Starship's classic, 'Nothing's going to stop us now."

This was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I was going to climb every mountain (with the help of a cable car as my knees are knackered), ford every stream (preferably with suitable footwear as I have a growing collection of holey shoes), follow Dipak's rainbow, with a little bit of Jim Beam. I kid, I hate that ass gravy.

So the whitest man to ever set foot in India *these claims cannot be verified and may not hold up in a court of law* left the shores of Blighty alongside my gal pal Suzy, a wonderful and vivacious creature but one that is a selfish git for being so tanned, into Asia for the first time.

Photo from Tahuko.com

Part 1: D's wedding!
After two flights over the course of nearly 20 hours, zombie one and zombie two were picked up at Bhuj Airport at around 8am and were taken to our accommodation.

One ever so slight difference between back home and here was the fact that cows chose to take over the roads. They sat or stood, without a care in the world, on busy roads as cars, motorbikes and trucks weaved their way in and out, so as to not hit these sacred creatures. No chance of a beef burger here then.

Also, motorists do not care for lanes, right of way, using the car horn sparingly or even driving on the right side of the road! It was brilliant but also scary to watch.  The camels, pigs, dogs, goats and locals went about their day, with the hooter orchestra playing to their heart's content. 

We were unfortunately too wiped to join in the Henna painting partay but after a hearty sleep, we were ready for the evening event known as Sanjhi, where we enjoyed very loud music, dancing, singing from attendees, who together made up Joseph's technicolour dreamcoat.

The place was awash with colour, vibrancy and celebration - not a bad way to dip our toes in the local water.

Next morning it was the Mandvo, a pre-wedding ceremony where Hindu traditions and rituals are carried out under a wooden canopy called a mandap. Despite not having the foggiest idea what was going on, witnessing something so different was fascinating to see.

Then that night came an event I do not think I will ever forget. A 30-strong party of Dipak's family took part in a procession through the village, banging drums as we went, attracting the attention of hundreds of excited onlookers. 

This was Pholiku, where Dipak, flanked by me acting as some sort of bodyguard, would visit several temples and carry out prayers. When he was doing this I had to stay by his side, carrying his coconut and sword when inside each temple, one of which had several thousand people turn and stare at us in glee, it was nuts but quite the honour!

And finally on the third day, we were treated to the wedding itself. We were picked up before 6am to be kitted out in a sari for Suzy and for me a tailor-made sherwani, which I can keep!

She looked like the visible personification of absolute perfection, to quote Oscar Wilde, whereas I looked... well you can be the judge of that!

What followed was hours of a carnival like parade, a bus journey to the village of Dipak's wife-to-be, dancing, drums, rituals and music, before the bride Preety gave tearful goodbyes to her village in a very moving moment.

The whole thing was exhausting but incredible. It really is another world, one with no alcohol which was a nice change to be honest.

A land that dishes out a sensory overload, where you see, hear, touch, taste (I am a massive lightweight on spice but somehow survived) and smell (good and bad) more than you could ever imagine. 

We were welcomed as part of the family, we were treated like celebrities by locals, all eager to get a glance of these strange and white intrepid adventurers and I was even asked for an autograph. I acquiesced to his plea, how could I disappoint a fan? 

Part 2: The golden... square?
After the thrills and spills of the wedding, Suzy and I flew to Delhi and boy were we in for a shock. The city runs on chaos. I think the Joker would like it.

To be frank, I was not a big fan of Delhi with its 12+million people, brutal humidity, non-stop badgering in terms of transport and people asking for selfies. 

You see wealth and poverty intermingled in a way you cannot really comprehend. Women are still not seen in the same way as men which annoys me no end.

17th century architectural feats mixed with countless beggars who live and die on the slum-ridden streets. 

We also got Delhi belly, but I won't expand on this. I mean, who wants to read about back-end troubles, doing a fecal Jackson Pollack (to quote comedian Greg Davies), squatting into little holes in the ground with flies flitting about. As I say, I won't expand on this.

I am probably coming across as spoilt but it is a massive culture shock. The monuments were pretty spectacular but the city was not and I was glad to get away and head to Agra and the Taj Mahal.

A four hour coach ride took us to the city to see one of the most famous monuments of them all. As we got our tuk-tuk ride to the hotel, I got a glimpse of it and my jaw felt like it came apart from my face. 

Luxury 5-star hotel, that we didn't stay at...

I was transfixed. It was one of the most breathtaking and majestic sites I had ever seen. 

Everyone knows it is one of the seven wonders of the world but not many will know that the ivory-white marble mausoleum  was commissioned in 1632 by the Mughal emperor Shah Jahan to house the tomb of his favourite wife, Mumtaz Mahal.

Together they had more than 10 children but to learn that this wonder was just a husband's way of placing her in special honour was just barmy. 

The following day we were supposed to head to Pushkar, a very religious, remote and picturesque lakeside town in Rajasthan, a few hundred kilometres away.

As we waited for our train, we got acquainted with 'India time'. Our 7.30am train ended up being a tad late, six hours to be precise.

Thankfully a German couple (we didn't mention the war!) called Julia and Andreas came to our rescue and we shared a cab ride, which ended up being cheaper than the train.

Some say people are still waiting for the Zirayat Express, who knows.

Here we got a much needed break from the constant selfie requests and the masses for a day or so.

It started on a sour note however as we encountered a dose of 'holy' extortion.

Just as we reached the lake, we were separated by two so-called brahman, who led us to the edge, gave us flowers, a bit of face paint, wished our family the best and ended up ambushing us out of 2,500 Rupees.

Apart from that frustrating episode, Pushkar was my favourite stop. The markets, where we enjoyed a bit of haggling (Suzy with a bit more success than myself), monkeys, camel rides, temples and no rear-end problems, were a delight!

Then we had two nights in Jaipur, which was pretty manic as well but the Amber Fort in particular was spectacular.

And to round it all off we headed back to Delhi for one last sightseeing trip to the exquisite Lotus temple and a final foray with an Indian meal - we did not do well with that one. 

Throughout the 10 days I was lucky enough to spend in India, I have been mulling over just how to describe what it is like.

Epigram extraordinaire Mark Twain said the country was the cradle of the human race, the birthplace of human speech, the mother of history, the grandmother of legend and the great grand mother of tradition.

I however possess an infinitesimal amount of writing ability compared to the great man, hence my current predicament of not delivering a satisfactory final verdict. 

I cannot think of a felicitous way of summing up India. It is like nothing I have ever seen or may ever see. Nothing really happens linearly, everything goes on at 110mph and you get swept up in it all.

Although it has its fair share of criticisms, I am so grateful that I was able to do this, for Dipak's hospitality, that Suzy rescued me from bunging around the place on ma todd and experiencing a whole new world. 

I have the travel bug even more now. Despite just finishing one epic journey (which unfortunately made me look only slightly less vanilla ice cream looking), I think I am quite ready for another adventure!